misora: (i feel like a defective typewriter)
[personal profile] misora
I realize I don't say much about my pregnancy lately, especially now that I'm getting down to the wire (soon to be 37 weeks on Saturday!), but it doesn't mean I don't have thoughts on it. Oh boy, do I have thoughts.

A lot of them are worries, understandably. Will I tear during delivery? Will I have to have a c-section? Will I be able to breastfeed successfully? Will I be able to soothe him when he cries? Will I be *that* sleep-deprived that I'll do something stupid like put him in the washing machine and start it on spin cycle?

And ultimately I know that I'm worrying about what every potential new mom must worry about, and that a lot of these worries are unfounded - and even if they're not, there's ways around issues that may come up. I know there will be a lactation consultant in the hospital; I know I'll heal after whatever I end up going through; I know eventually childcare will get easier. It will just get harder before it gets easier.

But despite all the worries and concerns, and the discomfort - because it *is* getting remarkably uncomfortable now, at nearly full-term - I have to say I'm really, really really happy that I'm doing this. I'm happy because John and I are going to be a family, instead of a couple. I'm happy because I will have someone to teach and take care of as he grows, and while he will be his own person, I can instill in him those things that my parents instilled in me, and their parents before them. I'm happy because I waited until the right time in my life to do this, with the right person, and at the right point in my career, when we are comfortable enough financially for me to take as long as a year off after he's born to raise him. (My work is pretty generous with maternity leave policy.)

I think I'm most amused by my cats' reactions. They actually have little tussling fights with one another to determine who gets to sit closest to me. They follow me from room to room, meowing and chirping incessantly, like they're aware that something momentous is going to happen any day now and they're a bit anxious because of it.

And while I can't wait to have him here, I'm going to miss little things about the pregnancy. I'm going to miss his kicks and his wiggling and turning. I'm going to miss my (now gigantic) round belly, and the way maternity clothes are so very comfortable. I'm going to miss the random conversations with strangers (some of whom have kids, some of whom don't), everywhere we go, whether it's gentle inquiries, or unsolicited advice (usually humorous, in the form of an exasperated parent whose kid is having a meltdown and they turn to us and say in not so many words, see what you're getting yourself into?), or even just knowing smiles.

I can only hope that I do a good job as a parent. But knowing that I'm going into this willingly, with my eyes wide open, and doing it for the right reasons, makes me think that my hope isn't so unfounded after all.

Date: 2011-03-24 05:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fadedelegance.livejournal.com
That was really moving. Seriously. I can tell from that that you have SUCH a big heart. How can you think you won't be a good mom?

Though parenthood isn't for me (I wouldn't wish my mental illnesses on my worst enemy let alone an innocent child--same goes for the birth defects my anti-depressants can cause), I do care about people. I truly believe that every child deserves to be loved and wanted, the way my siblings and I were.

I can just tell your baby will have that. He is so lucky. ♥

And he's a baby #1, like I was! 8D

Date: 2011-03-24 05:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misora.livejournal.com
I think every new mom worries that they won't be a good mom. Not necessarily because of anything in particular; I think just because parenting is such a huge, demanding role in one's life. As it should be.

The one thing I don't doubt is that my baby will know he's loved. He may not be a perfect little angel, but there's nothing wrong with loving someone imperfect. We all are, anyway.

Thank you for saying he will be lucky! :)

Date: 2011-03-24 05:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fadedelegance.livejournal.com
The one thing I don't doubt is that my baby will know he's loved.

Definitely--every time he sees you and feels you holding him. ♥

but there's nothing wrong with loving someone imperfect. We all are, anyway.

Very true--I have a shit ton of emotional issues, but I'm grateful that my parents love me.

Thank you for saying he will be lucky! :)

Well, it's true! ♥

Date: 2011-03-24 05:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fay-yasha.livejournal.com
You and John will be wonderful parents, but like any new parents you may make a mistake here and there but thats the thing about parenting you really learn as you go!

My cousin who was preggo with her first and was due late next week, delivered 10 days early on Saturday to a gorgeous baby boy. My cousin is head over heels in love with him and says that everything leading up to the birth is a blur and that she most vividly remembers the moment they placed him on her belly moments after he was born. His father (who is half Korean and the baby got a thick head of dark hair from his daddy!) is just in awe and crazy in love with his new son and has fallen in love with my cousin all over again.

While you may miss your pregnancy when your little bunny arrives, the end result is worth every moment of uncertainty and doubts. But like I said before, you and John are going to be amazing parents!

Can't wait to meet your little guy if you decide to share pics with us once he arrives!

Date: 2011-03-24 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tiddlywinks103.livejournal.com
Ok, I don't have kids, but I'm gong to mention what my sister got told by a friend about having my nephew.

She was like you, saying she was worried if she'll be good enough, etc, etc, and the friend said, "You'll be a good a parent because you do worry and you do care about your actions".

I totally agree, in just caring, and worrying, you're already showing how great a parent you'll be and are willing to be. Good luck, hon. :)

Date: 2011-03-24 06:18 am (UTC)
ocelotish: Chi the cat (from Chi's Sweet Home) looking happy with a heart (Chi <3)
From: [personal profile] ocelotish
I'm going to be as honest as I can be. Delivery is going to hurt no matter how it happens, but you'll still have a baby to love. There are times when you'll make good decisions and there are times when you'll make bad decisions. There are times when your child will hate you and some when he'll love you. That being said, I think that you'll do a good job because you care about being a good parent to your child. I know that he'll mean the world to you, and that's what seems to make the difference.

I know you can be a great mom to him.

Date: 2011-04-14 02:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkelf19.livejournal.com
Don't worry about washing the baby. A quick spin in the dyer and he'll be set. *kidding!*

Seriously, you'll be great. And the first time he opens his eyes and looks at you with those baby blues, nothing else will matter. *hugs*


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